Please, rest.

At what point do you say, enough is enough? Even before the year began slowing to a halt, signalling the end of 2024, my body kept asking this question.

It’s few days after Christmas and this month has been spent incubating, unwinding from the year’s labour and soaking in the quiet of my home. Nothing went quite as planned this year - don’t get me wrong, it’s been a pretty amazing year and i am grateful for the journey, the highs and lows, and for all the things i’ve been privileged to learn BUT for some years now, i have battled fatigue in waves and 2024 was the year i finally decided to do something about it.

I changed my sleep routine and diet, incorporated daily movement and cut down my screen time. After doing this consistently for a few weeks, i did start to feel better but the relief was ultimately short-lived. It seemed that I couldn’t completely eradicate the feeling of exhaustion and as i entered the ember months, it returned with a vengeance - nestled deep into my skin and wrapped itself around my bones.

Often during the year, i spoke to my husband about taking a vacation to ‘escape it all’ - a belief that all i needed was a change of environment and freedom to eat everything in sight to begin feeling like myself again. But when he did oblige and we travelled, i somehow kept on working and avoided the rest that i’d left my house for.

“I just need to film this for my YouTube vlogs,” i would explain, more to convince myself than him, because he would remind me gently, “babe, you need to know when to stop.” And when i closed my eyes at night to rest? My mind would refuse to shut down, racing with all the things that could be called into existence through creativity. So at what point do you say, enough is enough? Even before the year began slowing to a halt, signalling the end of 2024, my body kept asking this question.

Everyone knows that for creators, the grind is constant as a hamster on a wheel. You can’t get off and even when you try to, your mind tends to stay on work because it’s been trained to see life as a moments to be shared. It’s not like a 9-5 where you clock in and clock out at particular times and have the weekends and holidays off. It’s a 24/7 job that never seems to end.

Please hear me, i’m not complaining. Heck, it’s a privilege to even choose your work hours and to schedule leaves when you please. No, this is about the call that was coming from within and i understood - the body can not feel refreshed if the mind is not rested first.

The Lord graciously opened my eyes to see that the type of rest my soul has been yearning for, is not what i have given to it. It’s not so much about work-life balance as it is about work-intimacy balance. You see, 2024 marked my 9th year walking with The Lord and like every other relationship, there have been ups and downs but i’ve always felt i had a decent (if not a good) relationship with Him. However, anyone who truly walks with Christ knows that He is always asking for more - not necessarily that you do more for Him but that you give more of yourself to Him.

I’ve found The Lord to be very much a lover and a dear friend. He demands what every other love relationship does - complete devotion, attention, loyalty, confidentiality, conversation, sacrifice, and of course, quality time. But what is interesting about this particular relationship is that it fuels everything else so when i’ve been estranged from The Lord (even for a day) then all of life and its demands crush me under its weight. I mean, you’d think that after 9 years i’d have this part on lockdown but it has definitely been a struggle to remember that when things get hectic, my intimacy with Christ should not suffer, should not be reduced to hasty, mindless 10-minute interactions. Instead, intimacy must become a conscious daily decision, an immovable part of my life - the sun that everything else revolves around.

Is this not why most CEOs and entrepreneurs are typically on ‘their 7th startup with their 7th wife?’ If marriage is to mirror the relationship between Christ and the Church, and an earthly marriage cannot survive an absent (albeit hardworking) spouse, why do we imagine our relationship with God can?

In December, i felt The Lord challenging me to see clearly. It was an invitation to slow down so i could sit and listen, ask and keep asking, then find rest. But there was something different about this invitation. It wasn’t just about praying and reading my Bible to cross off a to-do list that i’d spent time in fellowship with Him - it was God asking me if i truly loved Him.

“Of course i love you, Lord! See all the things i’ve done for you,” but as soon as the words rose from my heart, i saw myself clearly - like a man who buys gifts and presents for his love interest but neglects her, is unfaithful and often even abusive. Did i truly love The Lord? I mean, i have never had a day where i did not speak to my husband, exchange hugs and kisses, share ideas & challenges, seek comfort, and navigate life - no matter how busy life gets, there is always time for him.

Priority.

Do i wake up excited to speak with God? Do i talk to Him because of what i stand to gain or because i truly want to know Him? Do i know what His interests are and when last did i ask what was on His mind? When we talk, do i let Him into all of who i am or do i keep masking, pretending to be someone else? Perhaps, someone impressive? When we sit together, do i pepper the air with words and barely give Him any time to speak? Do i watch the clock and then dash off to attend to ‘important’ things? Do i believe that God enjoys me? Loves looking at me? Wants to be involved in all my activities? Wants to be my friend? Wants us to laugh together? Am i aware that He wants to know my fears - not to use them against me but to show me that He has overcome them and then teach me how to walk in the victory that He so painfully wrought.

It was an invitation to finally begin to love, after being so wonderfully loved.

And so i repented, asked The Lord for mercy and then i prayed, “Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to see. Help me to love you. I don’t want to fake what can be real. So, let it be real. Fill my heart with love for you. Let it overflow. Show me what it is to be in love with you and to live from love.”

Going into 2025, the beginning of my 10th year in Christ, i see in many ways a continuation but also the start of another journey of unraveling - one that by God’s Grace, will bring true rest. Rewiring my understanding of prayer, the purpose of intimacy with God and daily seeking His face will help my heart transfer control into His Hands.

I pray that i yield to the Holy Spirit, that i see that I don’t have to do it all, that the outcome does not depend on me, that i don’t need to wear myself out trying to get the world to see what i carry on the inside, that i will accept that what God requires of us can be simple and just like the 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish (Matthew 14:13-21) once we place what we have in His Hands, He multiplies our little to feed the nations. We may never see the harvest - and we don’t need to - just as the Apostle Paul never got to see the heavy impact of his missionary journeys and seemingly ‘simple’ letters. It is enough to simply trust and obey.

How did Steffany Gretzinger put it again?

When we find ourselves thinking more about what we want God to do through us than what He means to us, the lamp of first love has grown dim.